February 23, 2012

Or, “Why Gender Binaries and the Gender Stereotypes Inherent to Them Hurt Everyone and Should Go to Hell” erospainter: Why Men Need to Be the Hero Men strive to be successful in life and become the hero in any situation, either at work or at home. We want to save people, fix people and make things better. Many women fall in love with us when we act like this - we appear to be strong and in control of our emotions. The problem is, that this show of strength is often a way of avoiding our deeper, negative feelings. Society brings us up to be big, strong and powerful, but deep inside a great many of us feel weak and lacking in confidence. We often try to act like a hero because we are afraid to show our weak, vulnerable side. Just because we are men, does not make us immune from the fears and insecurities that all human beings face. A sense of failure and inadequacy lurks in most people. This usually stems from broken bonding in our original families that can easily end in feelings of guilt and shame for having let people down and failed to help our parents and siblings. Rather than feel this guilt and failure, most men will subdue their feelings and pretend that they don’t have them! It is therefore a real mistake to assume that men are lacking in emotions. A recent survey of male film-goers confirms that men feel their emotions as much, if not more than women when they watch tear-jerking films. The furtive swallowing and battle to hold back the tears is usually successful, but next time you are at a weepy film, notice those hidden clues. I know from my experiences of working with men and attending relationship workshops that once the tears start flowing, it is like opening the flood gates. Big boys really do cry! The sad thing about all these heroic attempts to avoid our emotions is that they bring about the very feelings of failure that they are designed to avoid because they ultimately damage relationships. While in the early stages of romance, male stoicism is very attractive, it eventually becomes an Achilles Heel. If we do not feel and express our emotions, one of two things will happen. We will either gradually withdraw from our partner and perhaps bury ourselves in our work (another place we can become heroes) or something will crop up that forces us to feel our feelings - often a crisis like divorce or a wake-up call through tragedy or illness. Relationships do not fail because of what is said, they fail because of what is not said. As men choose to suppress their emotions, they jeopordise the most important relationships of their lives. 

Or, “Why Gender Binaries and the Gender Stereotypes Inherent to Them Hurt Everyone and Should Go to Hell”

erospainter:

Why Men Need to Be the Hero

Men strive to be successful in life and become the hero in any situation, either at work or at home. We want to save people, fix people and make things better. Many women fall in love with us when we act like this - we appear to be strong and in control of our emotions. The problem is, that this show of strength is often a way of avoiding our deeper, negative feelings. Society brings us up to be big, strong and powerful, but deep inside a great many of us feel weak and lacking in confidence. We often try to act like a hero because we are afraid to show our weak, vulnerable side. Just because we are men, does not make us immune from the fears and insecurities that all human beings face. A sense of failure and inadequacy lurks in most people. This usually stems from broken bonding in our original families that can easily end in feelings of guilt and shame for having let people down and failed to help our parents and siblings. Rather than feel this guilt and failure, most men will subdue their feelings and pretend that they don’t have them!

It is therefore a real mistake to assume that men are lacking in emotions. A recent survey of male film-goers confirms that men feel their emotions as much, if not more than women when they watch tear-jerking films. The furtive swallowing and battle to hold back the tears is usually successful, but next time you are at a weepy film, notice those hidden clues. I know from my experiences of working with men and attending relationship workshops that once the tears start flowing, it is like opening the flood gates. Big boys really do cry!

The sad thing about all these heroic attempts to avoid our emotions is that they bring about the very feelings of failure that they are designed to avoid because they ultimately damage relationships. While in the early stages of romance, male stoicism is very attractive, it eventually becomes an Achilles Heel. If we do not feel and express our emotions, one of two things will happen. We will either gradually withdraw from our partner and perhaps bury ourselves in our work (another place we can become heroes) or something will crop up that forces us to feel our feelings - often a crisis like divorce or a wake-up call through tragedy or illness. Relationships do not fail because of what is said, they fail because of what is not said. As men choose to suppress their emotions, they jeopordise the most important relationships of their lives. 

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  1. theinevitablehappens reblogged this from hermusery
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  9. notyourwallflower said: The supression is mainly dictated by the acceptable society norm for men. Women also supress their emotions. For some people it is a built-in auto defense mechanism to prevent weaknesses from being made public. But its still fairly easy to tell when something is wrong.
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  12. hermusery reblogged this from erospainter and added:
    Or, “Why Gender Binaries...Gender Stereotypes Inherent
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