February 28, 2012

And now, a story of a sex folly, by your Musery: I was thinking about this guy I used to know this afternoon. A Rod Stewart song came on the radio—and not one of his classics. This guy, W, and I had a long-running joke about Rod Stewart. I don’t even remember where it started, but somehow jokes about sex almost always included a nod to Rod, especially in his sad, skeezy, “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” phase.  But as long as I knew W, he was in long-term relationships—a serial monogamist if I ever knew one. But once, during one awe-inspiringly hot summer in the Ohio Valley, he stayed single for a full four months. June through September, he remained untethered. We talked on and off during this time, and I got into his (exceptionally talented) funk band. Once, while the heat exhaled deeply through the end of September, he texted me boot-call-late one night while I was home from college and asked me to come over. Blooming into the sex-crazed fiend that I am today, I threw on a tissue-thin oxford and floored my Volkswagen downtown to meet him.  He lived in the part of my hometown that could be called “posh,” in an upstairs apartment in the old part of town where all the Victorian homes were.  He invited me in and gestured at the couch like a gentleman.  Always self-conscious about his teeth (they were crooked in the front BUT SO CUTE), he tried to make conversation without smiling too much. But it was 1 am. This was not the time for talking, and I was direct: “This is really nice, your pouring me a drink and talking and pretending like it’s not, you know, the morning. But I think we both know why I’m here, and I’m not going to be offended if we just cut to the chase.” He sighed, like he was relieved, and grabbed my hand and marched us both to his bedroom. He dived over my body and started kissing me. We were hasty in stripping off clothes—fast enough that the pants and shoes and underwear come off in a big ball and hit the floor with a thud.  He disappeared between my thighs and took a few hearty licks at my pussy, and I grabbed for his hair, “You don’t even have to do… Just, can we just… I really just want to….er….” And BOOM he was back at my lips, kissing me with little traces of my pussy on his lips. Then he was pressing my knees apart and then he was—aahhhh—right where I wanted him.  He rocked his hips in that swivel-y way, more like a grind than a poke, aka, my favorite. He was hitting my spot and I began to moan, and he reached up and grabbed my hands and held them over my head. But I looked at his face and he looked, well, scared. Like he’d seen a ghost, or he was holding his breath. Then, the unthinkable: He let fly the single most hilarious noise I had ever heard from the mouth of a fully-grown adult male. It was some combination of pleasurable release and the word “No.” “AhhhhhugghhmmOH NOOO mmmmmAHHHHAHHHHHHHH AHHH….crap.” And his voice even rose a couple of octaves. The noise itself made me giggle slightly, but then I realize what had just happened. He rolled off of me and was quiet. “I just. I mean, I don’t….know….what to say….  It’s, well, I’ve been single for a while and I just, God, fuck….” And my own mouth started blurt out reasons why this wasn’t happening: “BUT, you’re….you’re in a BAND! You’re the lead guitarist in a badass band and…? I thought you’d be getting laid all the time! What…?” Him: “No. I just. After Ashley, I’ve…You know I, I was taking a break from women and I…I guess I got out of practice. Fuck…I’m so, I’m just so sorry….I don’t really know what to… Should we try again later? Do you want to sleep or something for a bit? It’s late….” Me: “I drank a giant Red Bull on the way here.” Him: “I can’t recall ever being this embarrassed before.” Me: “Would you be mad if I just left? Would that make it worse?” Him: “Not worse. Not better.” And then, it did get worse, because I couldn’t find my underwear. So, like a nice guy, he offered to mail them to me if he found them. (YES. PLEASE PUT MY PANTIES IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL THEM TO ME SO I CAN RELIVE THIS NIGHT AGAIN WITH THE HELP OF THE US POSTAL SERVICE.)  I told him not to worry about it.  And then I drove home with blue walls. And then it got even WORSE-WORSE when I ran into MY FATHER getting a soda out of the fridge and had to explain what the fuck I was doing driving home at 3 am. Then I went to bed to wake up 5 hours later and go to church. I sent up a prayer for W’s cock and self-esteem that morning. It seemed appropriate, being communion Sunday and all. Body of Christ, Bloody of Christ, etc, etc… 

And now, a story of a sex folly, by your Musery:

I was thinking about this guy I used to know this afternoon. A Rod Stewart song came on the radio—and not one of his classics. This guy, W, and I had a long-running joke about Rod Stewart. I don’t even remember where it started, but somehow jokes about sex almost always included a nod to Rod, especially in his sad, skeezy, “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” phase. 

But as long as I knew W, he was in long-term relationships—a serial monogamist if I ever knew one. But once, during one awe-inspiringly hot summer in the Ohio Valley, he stayed single for a full four months. June through September, he remained untethered. We talked on and off during this time, and I got into his (exceptionally talented) funk band. Once, while the heat exhaled deeply through the end of September, he texted me boot-call-late one night while I was home from college and asked me to come over. Blooming into the sex-crazed fiend that I am today, I threw on a tissue-thin oxford and floored my Volkswagen downtown to meet him. 

He lived in the part of my hometown that could be called “posh,” in an upstairs apartment in the old part of town where all the Victorian homes were.  He invited me in and gestured at the couch like a gentleman.  Always self-conscious about his teeth (they were crooked in the front BUT SO CUTE), he tried to make conversation without smiling too much. But it was 1 am. This was not the time for talking, and I was direct:

“This is really nice, your pouring me a drink and talking and pretending like it’s not, you know, the morning. But I think we both know why I’m here, and I’m not going to be offended if we just cut to the chase.”

He sighed, like he was relieved, and grabbed my hand and marched us both to his bedroom. He dived over my body and started kissing me. We were hasty in stripping off clothes—fast enough that the pants and shoes and underwear come off in a big ball and hit the floor with a thud. 

He disappeared between my thighs and took a few hearty licks at my pussy, and I grabbed for his hair, “You don’t even have to do… Just, can we just… I really just want to….er….”

And BOOM he was back at my lips, kissing me with little traces of my pussy on his lips. Then he was pressing my knees apart and then he was—aahhhh—right where I wanted him. 

He rocked his hips in that swivel-y way, more like a grind than a poke, aka, my favorite. He was hitting my spot and I began to moan, and he reached up and grabbed my hands and held them over my head.

But I looked at his face and he looked, well, scared. Like he’d seen a ghost, or he was holding his breath.

Then, the unthinkable: He let fly the single most hilarious noise I had ever heard from the mouth of a fully-grown adult male. It was some combination of pleasurable release and the word “No.”

“AhhhhhugghhmmOH NOOO mmmmmAHHHHAHHHHHHHH AHHH….crap.” And his voice even rose a couple of octaves. The noise itself made me giggle slightly, but then I realize what had just happened.

He rolled off of me and was quiet.

“I just. I mean, I don’t….know….what to say….  It’s, well, I’ve been single for a while and I just, God, fuck….”

And my own mouth started blurt out reasons why this wasn’t happening:

“BUT, you’re….you’re in a BAND! You’re the lead guitarist in a badass band and…? I thought you’d be getting laid all the time! What…?”

Him: “No. I just. After Ashley, I’ve…You know I, I was taking a break from women and I…I guess I got out of practice. Fuck…I’m so, I’m just so sorry….I don’t really know what to… Should we try again later? Do you want to sleep or something for a bit? It’s late….”

Me: “I drank a giant Red Bull on the way here.”

Him: “I can’t recall ever being this embarrassed before.”

Me: “Would you be mad if I just left? Would that make it worse?”

Him: “Not worse. Not better.”

And then, it did get worse, because I couldn’t find my underwear. So, like a nice guy, he offered to mail them to me if he found them. (YES. PLEASE PUT MY PANTIES IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL THEM TO ME SO I CAN RELIVE THIS NIGHT AGAIN WITH THE HELP OF THE US POSTAL SERVICE.)  I told him not to worry about it. 

And then I drove home with blue walls. And then it got even WORSE-WORSE when I ran into MY FATHER getting a soda out of the fridge and had to explain what the fuck I was doing driving home at 3 am.

Then I went to bed to wake up 5 hours later and go to church. I sent up a prayer for W’s cock and self-esteem that morning. It seemed appropriate, being communion Sunday and all. Body of Christ, Bloody of Christ, etc, etc… 

(Source: delectatiomorosa)

19,286 notes
Leave Note / Reblog

19286 Notes

  1. zoritovargasjimenez reblogged this from sofiaalbornoz
  2. theothercutter reblogged this from cirquedurosie
  3. cirquedurosie reblogged this from inspirationlies
  4. cierralosojosvoyhahacerquevueles reblogged this from blackhearttt
  5. inspirationlies reblogged this from s-exotic
  6. x0gdl reblogged this from cumoverhere
  7. imsoporny reblogged this from oursex
  8. respectthebalance reblogged this from evrythingtailored
  9. oursex reblogged this from tumblrafter-dark
  10. im-his-aphrodisiac reblogged this from trulyblessedprince
  11. deetreezy reblogged this from yungflytae
  12. oxygenandlove reblogged this from domdomcondom
  13. keijaysonray1 reblogged this from andopeee
  14. domdomcondom reblogged this from guiltyplea-sureeee
  15. honeybee-kush reblogged this from f-ckinghorngry
  16. andopeee reblogged this from ibitex3 and added:
    Her back dimples are nice, yeah. yeah that’s it.
  17. jpaaait reblogged this from ibitex3
  18. ibitex3 reblogged this from fuuckitsyen
  19. lucascoo reblogged this from whatthevirginsays
  20. guiltyplea-sureeee reblogged this from blackhearttt
  21. alopheliac reblogged this from chomponmydick
  22. foreverinsane-x-x reblogged this from northerncaligrownn
  23. sheaintalesbiansheafreakdoe reblogged this from chomponmydick
  24. shmaccedcityliindaa reblogged this from birthdaycakex3